Connecting
By Deborah Barber

The domestication of desire

I've heard it said that we Americans are extremely prudish about sexuality as compared to the rest of the world, perhaps a legacy from our Puritan ancestors. Therefore I was greatly encouraged by the recent study on sexuality in the later years. It found that Grandma and Grandpa indeed do have an intimate relationship that compares in frequency to much younger couples and that it would be a good idea not to visit unannounced.

Despite this finding, I know of many colleagues working with couples of all ages who experience issues of waning desire and are baffled as to why. These are young couples, in good health and with good relationships, who seemingly fall apart only in this arena.

Esther Perel, LMFT, an internationally recognized couples therapist in New York, writes and lectures on the topic of the conflict between love and desire. She attributes sexual boredom in marriage to the overemphasis on safety and predictability between partners: "(The) familiarity we seek to impose on the other kills desire."

She goes on to say that "the irony is that even the predictability in the marriages of the dullest couples is an illusion." Affairs, often engaged in by "the dull partner," are a shock to the other, who could never imagine this familiar person doing something so mysterious and unknown.

Perel believes that "sexual desire doesn't play by the same rules of good citizenship that maintain peace and contentment in the social relations between partners."

In America, the ideals of directness, honesty and openness in relationships can interfere with the individual need for risk, novelty and adventure, areas where passion thrives. Perel is not advocating an allout quest for sexual freedom without restraint, but a greater understanding of the need for sexual energy and erotic vitality in committed relationships.

Adults need touch as much as children, and sex is adult play. People today experiment sexually outside their relationships rather than engage their partners in a richly imaginative sexual life.

In addition, as we become more immersed in the role of parents, responsibility and caregiving replace the spontaneity, mystery and playfulness that existed in our early relationship.

How do we reconcile the domestic with desire? Can a bridge between intimacy and the erotic exist in marriage? It helps to understand that we need more than one language for closeness.

For men, it is often the language of the physical: The vehicle is one of expression and not words. Physical love relieves anxiety and regenerates the mind, body and spirit after a stressful day.

For women, physical love can reinforce objectification fears and is often the combination of "personal, cultural and familial taboos, restrictions and inhibitions she absorbed as a child" (Perel, 2003). Therefore intimacy involves language (talking and listening), understanding and tolerance on the part of her partner for an alienation from her own sensual pleasure.

Both can bring creativity and fantasy to the mix; developing a sense of individual understanding of sexual fulfillment can better serve the collective desire of the couple.

Some separateness between partners can actually maintain desire. We do not fully know our partners even after many years of togetherness; besides being domestic partners, we are also created to be sexual beings. Respecting and tolerating differences and maintaining a view of our partners as not completely "safe" can actually promote physical connection. Playfulness, flexibility and surprise have a place in maintaining sexual vitality.

Sex is always a difficult topic to bring to the public realm. For many of us it is a source of conflict, embarrassment and guilt. Yet it is a fundamental life force, exhilarating and exciting, procreating and pleasurable. We celebrate pregnancy, birth and new life, but how it arrives is a taboo topic.

We have yet to smoothly negotiate through the sexual stages of life, from when it is truly forbidden to when it is part of the joy of intimate relationship, as in married life. We need to work more on bringing sexuality out of the closet while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Since our "elders" seem to know something the rest of us don't, perhaps a consultation is in order.

Deborah Barber, PhD, is a clinical psychologist specializing in individual adult and couples therapy, with a private practice in Oak Park ,(818) 512-7923.