Connecting
It's a balancing act

The audience collectively held its breath as the trapeze artist inched slowly up the inclined wire, 20 feet overhead. She balanced delicately on pointed toes; it seemed impossible and then, she was on the platform! The tent exploded in cheers and another amazing Cirque du Soleil performance came to a close.

I was in that audience, marveling at this feat of strength, agility and balance, when it occurred to me that our lives can often be described as a balancing act. Those who do it well seem to do it without effort. Everything just falls into place. But for many of us, life is a series of chaotic choices and we often overbook, underperform and live in misery.

Many years ago, Richard Bolles wrote "The Three Boxes of Life (and how to get out of them)." It's a masterful and lighthearted guide to life/work planning in which he describes the three "boxes" as the worlds of education, work and retirement.

His premise is that during the first third of life, education predominates. The middle third features an emphasis on work and then, only at the end of our lives, mostly play. There is little to no preparation for each new stage of life, so each time we wrestle with the same questions about how to survive, our effectiveness, and what meaning or mission we define for ourselves.

Despite the influence of societal norms in this pattern, or "trap," Bolles states, "no matter how much of our life we perceive to be unchangeable, because it is in the control of someone or something else, there is always That Part that is under our control and that we can work on to change."

That Part is where you come in. Are you satisfied with the way you are living your life? Is there enough time to be with family and friends? Is there time to have a hobby? Do you feel good about how you are balancing all the demands that life brings? If not, it's time to take stock.

Many people don't realize they're in a rut until they stop and look at their situation honestly. Often, loved ones begin to complain that "Daddy is too tired to play ball with me" or "Mom won't read me a bedtime story" before we see just how drained we are.

A recent study that came out about men being happier than women, relating to women juggling work and home issues that were once the sole purview of men, tells me that balance continues to be an issue for both men and women.

I was listening to my husband's work colleague talk about a new job he was contemplating. He has three children under the age of 12 and rarely sees them now as he travels and works 12-hour days. I could see the impatience on his wife's face as he boasted that "he was not afraid of hard work" and had in fact been working since the age of 14. His last comment, related to how happy he was that he could make such a good living for his family, provoked his wife into saying that she would rather have less "living" provided and more of him around the house.

Isn't this a common refrain in our society? We have come to value standards of living in terms of material possessions: bigger homes, expensive toys, lavish decorating. What has happened to just sharing our time with the people we most love in the world?

There has to be more balance in family life. That is the priority for those of us privileged to have families. It also sets an excellent example for those coming after us and what they begin to value.

There has to be more balance in work and play life. We may need to be more rigorous in assessing our priorities; we may have to periodically check on what our priorities are and make sure we are still in the ballpark. If we are having only "moments" of connection with others or down time or laugh time, then we need to seriously ask ourselves what it's all about.

I'm also reminded as I write this column that the holidays are fast approaching. How about balance there as well? Reflect now on your most cherished holiday memory and then put it into action this season. You are in charge of making this time full of meaning for you and your family; discard anything from the past that isn't really important. Maybe that even includes some of those decorations.

Use your time wisely so that you may truly live.

Deborah Barber, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Oak Park. Call her at (818) 512-7923, write her at askDrDB@yahoo.com or go to www.DrBarber.com for additional information.